"It will come, I can see the way"

It could be a quote from Martin Luther King, but I have quoted Victor. Victor Juliet Mukasa is a lesbian and calls herself a militant LGBT-activist. Presently she is in hiding in her home country Uganda and is registered as a “human rights defender at risk” by Amnesty International because of threats from the authorities. She has a vision about a better future for sexual minorities in East Africa, and she is willing to sacrifice a lot to see it come through.

Meeting people like Victor does something to you. I become both humble and inspired, I am silenced by awe when I see such courage, and I want to do something to support Victor and her struggling comrades.

Judgment and reconciliation

Victor’s story about growing up has much in common with what other gay and lesbians in East Africa are telling. It is the story of the struggle to accept oneself in a culture where religion is playing a key role.

-I grew up in a staunch catholic home, and was brought up to look at homosexuality as a demonic sin, Victor tells us. When she, 15 years of age, told her mother that she had fallen in love with a girl at school, her mothers response was to pray to Mother Mary for help. Victor prayed and prayed, for years, and went to a lot of churches, pastors and counselors to ask for guidance.

- I was even sexually harassed in a church. They forced me to undress to punish the male spirit in me that were forcing me to wear men’s clothes. They undressed me, burned my clothes and put their hands on my private parts while they were shouting in the name of God and Jesus…

Today Victor has found peace with God

-I have found reconciliation between my faith and my sexual identity. I am a Christian and I have this relationship with God, whatever the world says. It changed when I started to talk directly to God – I began to pray about my sexual orientation. I had a kind of revelation. I had seen Him as tough, holding a spear all the time, coming to punish me, slap me or be angry, one that I was not supposed to look straight in the face. All of a sudden He just changed. I experienced a different kind of warmth and no more guilt, and I had closeness to God as to someone that you feel that you know although you cannot see. I think He revealed Himself to me, and helped me to come to terms with issues of my sexual identity, my faith and my belief in Him. After this it has been OK. I am a sinner, yeah I am guilty of many sins, but being a lesbian is not one of them!

Crossing gender borders

Victor identifies as a lesbian, she has no doubt that this is a term that fits her sexuality. But when it comes to gender identity, things become more difficult.

-There are things concerning my identity that I don’t understand. Sometimes I think I belong to a different sex. A third sex, as yet unnamed. From my life I know that this is diverse, both concerning sexualities and gender types. I don’t care if people call me he or she – they can say whatever they are comfortable with. At some point I was using “che” for me – I was looking for a pronoun that suits me and I couldn’t find it. So I started calling myself “che” if I was talking or writing about myself, not “she” and not “he”.

She has always been a trancending the genderlines (lit a transgender), and it has always brought her trouble, from the time when her father beat her for not putting on a dress for her primary school graduation, to threats of suspension from schools and sacking from jobs because of her appearance.

- Uganda is a conservative society. Very conservative, and there is a lot of suffering for those who don’t conform to the norms of society.

Introspection and new inspiration

- At a certain point of my life I was having great difficulties. I had lost my job, I had lost several good friends, my family was behaving funny to me, I had become an addict. Yeah, at this time I used drugs and drank a lot. I could drink 7-8 hours without rest, and I became homeless. I was suffering in this period, because of being homeless and all the strange things that happened.

- So one day I sat down and asked myself how it got to this? I went to the best schools, yeah I excelled at school, and now I am here. I had been doing banking, and done well. I come from a wealthy family, and here I am, totally wasted. So what is the problem? I looked at the reason I lost my job, at the reason I lost my friends, I looked at the reason why I drank and all the other things that were happening to me. And I realized everything was because of my sexual orientation! And I looked at my friends, and they were all the same.

- That’s when I started to study and be interested in organizing. I looked at the internet and found all these links to activist-sites, and I was very inspired. I saw that others had been tired, like I was tired, but they had risen and done something about their situation. And this had got them somewhere. So I thought I had to rise up, I had to change my life and the life of others like me. I used to discuss all this with my friends, and they also became interested. So we decided we needed an organization so we could work together.

This was in 2003, and the discussions in Victor’s circle of friends resulted in the LBT-organization Freedom and Roam Uganda. They had long discussions about what to call the group (one of the names they went through were The Lesbian Liberation Front!), before they decided on Freedom and Roam Uganda

- Because that is what we are looking for in every aspect of life: To roam freely.

A name with a meaning

Victor was named Juliet, and we ask her why she started to call herself Victor.

- There was this girl in secondary school here in Kampala who died. I mean she was killed; she was forced to kill herself because of her sexuality. At her school they had found these love notes she had sent to other girls. The school called an assembly and beat her up and humiliated her in front of all the teachers and students. After this they sent her home to her parents with a letter that told she was suspended because she was a lesbian. So she went through another punishment at home. She got no support from her parents, they were very angry. They brought her back to school and asked that she was punished publicly once again. That day she was brought back she was beaten so badly, she was bruised all over. So at night she got a fever and was sent to the sick bed, to get some medicine. I think she exaggerated her situation, I think she had made up her mind to kill herself. She had had enough – just think about her situation, and all alone she was. She took all the medicine she was given and left a note that explained that she couldn’t handle it anymore. And that is how she died.

- All the papers wrote about it, and I read it together with my friends, and at first I didn’t do anything. And there wasn’t a single person who criticized what had been done to the girl- not even the so called human rights defenders we supposedly have in this country. A lot was done to this girl that needed to be punished, and if not punished someone should tell that this was not the way to treat anyone. But everyone thought it was ok – it was even discussed on the radio, and everyone agreed that “they” deserve this kind of treatment, there was no support. It felt like they were hitting us too. The only thing that had happened to this girl, that hadn’t happened to me, was death. And I was so angry, and I told the women in Freedom and Roam:”We have to speak for ourselves, and I think it is time for us to go to the airways and speak out.” And they said: “No, this is not the right time”. So then I said: “Ok, I will do it myself. I will go to the radio to condemn these actions. I shall condemn the government and the parents and the teachers, all the leaders we have in this country.”

- I went to the radio station KFM, and they felt it was a difficult issue. They had never had anyone like me there before, speaking about the rights of LGBT-people. So everyone was nervous and was saying I would be risking my life by doing it. But I said I had to go, I needed to go, but I would do it in a different name. That was the small closet I was willing to enter. So when I came in the studio I said “I am Victor” - for victory.

- There was confusion about my name – some times I have said Juliet some times Victor, and that has made them confused. I have been very vocal and outspoken, but it was only last year they found me and attacked my home. Now Victor is my name, and it is something more then a name. It is a word with meaning and it inspires me!

Victor the Warrior

Almost a year ago Victor’s home was raided by the authorities. They broke into her home when she was away, searched the house, confiscated documents and books about LGBT-questions and arrested a Kenyan friend who was visiting at the time. Since then she has been in hiding. She has been supported by Amnesty International as well as other organizations as a human rights defender at risk.

We ask what all this is doing to her?

- I am afraid of losing myself. I feel that I am losing myself, I live a life of make-believe: There is Victor the Warrior and Victor the Human Being. But Victor is only allowed to develop the warrior sides of her, and my life is not life anymore. I am like a pen, for it to work you have to make sure to fill it with ink. The funders have been supportive, but I need more support than funding for safe accommodation and subsistence. My inner man has not been catered for. For many, once I have a house to stay and food to eat then I am covered and I work on and on. Sometimes I need to make a long distance telephone call to my lover. She stays very far away. (Victor’s lover lives in USA) I would love to visit her. I would love to take a break. That is not understandable. Victor the Human Being is no longer an issue!

In love with the struggle

- I want to leave and I don’t want to leave. If I go I can live happily with my girlfriend, and she would be so happy for us to be together. We could take a walk in the street together, we could even go dancing… But if I go I am afraid that... I feel I want to be there physically in the struggle. I do not want to engage from afar. I want to take part physically, because I am in love with the struggle too. I have a passion for liberation, and I want to experience it, not just hear about it, I want to see it coming.

The next battle in the fight for liberation of Uganda’s sexual minorities will unfold in court. Victor is suing the authorities for unlawful entering in her house and confiscation of personal belongings after what happened last year. She hopes that a victory in court will lead to some changes.

- Even the authorities will have to learn that the times have ended when they could treat homosexuals however they liked.. And the homosexuals will learn that if they are treated badly and unjustly, they have the right to report it to someone. That is why I am challenging them. Everyone should know that also the homosexuals have a right to protection. Even this government of ours, that is torturing us, should really be protecting us. I know it is a strange dream, but it will happen. I can see it. Some times people say I am crazy for having these dreams, but it will happen. I can see the way; I just can see it... If we fail we will take it to the African Court, I am sure there is a way. We have lacked visionary people to do it, but I am willing to, and I will do it. And I can see people are starting to stand up. It will work. There is no reason why it shouldn’t change in this country when it has changed in other countries.